week nineeen...of the rest of my life, (i'm in the zone!)

Hello Bloggers,
Yes, I did not get around to blogging last week. It's just so busy around here. This will be very short today again due to lack of time.
Things are going very well and I am in the zone! I am finally getting it together and have had 2 good eating weeks.
You may remember that I decided to give up counting points or using any other quick fix method.
I don't think that there is anything really wrong about counting points or other similar methods of weight loss but for me I needed something different and more permanent. I have been struggling with weight issues every day of my life for 35 years, since I was about 7 years old. I had gotten into some bad habits, including using food to control my moods. So, for me, because this is a real problem. I really needed to make a more permanent solution.
So, basically I have just been following my dietitian's advice and been eating nutritious foods, including semi healthy treats and eating the right amount of food. Last week my weight had gone from 101.7kg to 99.9kg and this morning it was 98.9kg.
That's great news. Even better;

• I don't feel like I am on a diet.
• I am not struggling.
• I am not thinking about food all the time and tempted by every fancy piece of food that passes by me.
• I feel normal and my emotions are much more stable when I eat well.
• I am eating a lot of nice, interesting food.
• I feel like this is sustainable
• I feel set free.

Praise God.
Until next week bloggers (and bloggees),
Thanks for reading my blog.

Love Annie.

Week seventeen of the rest of my life.

Helllllooooo bloggers (and blogees)!
I am still here and determined not to have another Monday go by without casting another blog.
It has been two weeks (or is it three?) since I last blogged. I missed one week and then the next week I couldn't get onto the blog spot site. Even today I couldn't get onto the site except through someone else's blog.
Anyway, no time to waste as I have to go out but I just wanted to write to you that I have not been very good at this weight loss thing at all. I am hoping that it will change from today.
I think I have to weigh myself every week as I just can't to seem to stay motivated otherwise. Knowing that I have to weigh in on a weekly basis (and worse, blog about it) does really help me. I wish I was more mature and didn't need this external motivation, but just at the moment, I am not.
So I weighed today (turn away now if it is all too much) and I am now 101.7kg.
In eight weeks I have my annual leave and I have got to make a great inroad into this problem before then.
My last holidays (July 2010) were pretty horrible. I was sick for half of them and I also felt just so horrible as I was carrying all this extra weight. I remember going in to see Mum every day at the nursing home and wearing this horrible purple jacket (that I still wear) and being afraid to take it off because I felt so ugly.
Well I am still afraid to take off my jacket and I still feel so ugly and that is no way to live.
I still have plenty of hope that I don't have to live this way and I know it is very possible for me to lose this weight. I am determined to get there and to not give up.
I will get there.
Thank you for reading my blogs. And special love to my darling K. in Canada who is also reading this my blog.
Love Annie. xxx

week fifteen...of the rest of my life.

Well here I am again, only 5 days late! I haven't posted before now as I have had a migraine which has lasted most of this week. So, I am going to keep this short.
I decided that I am not going to count points any more and just try to lose weight by having a varied healthy diet and eating moderately.
So far so good.

How do I feel?

I feel set free!

More next week.

week forteen...of the rest of my life.

Good Morning Bloggers (and bloggees).
Well, an interesting week. I weighed in yesterday (not today as I have visitors staying with me and I didn't fancy weighing in my usual semi naked state on the scales in the kitchen while they were here!), and I have lost one kg, so am now 98.3kg.
I have had a mixed week. I did OK for a week and then on Wednesday, ate too much of my 'treats' and then seemed to spiral down after that. I had more control this time but then someone at work bought lollies and that undid me for about 3 days. I did eventually regain control though, especially as I felt God reminding me that it was only exactly 72 hours since I started on this downward track and it was very possible to just start eating well again. So, I did and it's all OK now.
Once again it was like a storm to me, as I described in my last post, and when it was over it really was like the storm was over and the sun came out and it is a relief when it is over. (This worries me a bit).
So, I lasted a week, (not 3 weeks) without going off track. My goal now is to last 2 weeks.
Wish me luck,
Annie. xxx

week thirteen...of the rest of my life.

Hi Guys,
Things are a lot better since I last wrote to you. I have got back on track. Writing last week's blog really helped as well as seeing my dietitian. So much of this is about head space and what is going on in the mind and blogging really makes me face it and refocus.
My dietitian gave me a really good booklet called, "12 weeks to a healthier life". The main premise is to "swap it, don't stop it". So, instead of trying to cut out things, just substitute. It's a simple enough idea, and not the first time I have heard it, but it's the thought behind it which really helps me. The booklet also has space for shopping lists, meal and exercise planning as well as short and long term goals

I am realising that I need to find a way to eat which lets me eat enough that I don't feel hungry or that I am depriving myself, but at the same time, is the right amount (and type) of food that allows me to still lose (or in the future, maintain) my weight. It's amazing to think that after almost 43 years of life, I have still not learned how to do that, or even, known that I needed to learn that.
Hmmm.
That's food for thought, right there.

Some other things that my dietitian and I have identified is patterns in my eating.
I have a long time cycle of being able to eat (and enjoy eating) very healthily for about 3 weeks and then for some almost inexplicable reason, just fall into an abyss of unhealthy junk laden eating and then spend the next 3 weeks (or months) trying to get back on track. I really believe that eating in this chaotic way messes with my head in an almost chemical way, making it even more difficult to get back on track. It seems to mess with my emotions and make me think about food way too much and also crave the bad stuff.
I wander around trying to calm the storm with different flavours of smooth and creamy, sweet or savoury, hoping that I will finally eat something that will satisfy me and the storm will be over and I will be able to get back on track. While I am eating all this junk, I am of course not eating any real nutrients and that just makes the situation worse.
Acknowledging this pattern and bringing it out into the open has been really helpful to me, and I feel that it is something that I will be able to overcome.
My dietitian and I came up with some goals which I think will be able to help.

1. Firstly, the emphasis should be on eating healthily and getting nutrients and fuel for our body and not on cutting things out.
2. It's OK not to do things perfectly. If I eat too much on a certain day....so what! (My words, not hers). It's OK. A person who doesn't struggle with food issues will eat too much sometimes, but the difference between them and me is that they don't seem to have a lot of emotion about it and this allows them to get back to eating healthily quite easily. In other words, it doesn't send them into a tail spin or cycle of unhealthy eating.
3. It's important to plan meals but then just let it go and not over think it. It's better not to be thinking constantly about food.
4. I need to have a daily treat as well as a larger weekly treat. Yay! That has been an idea that has been very freeing to me. Now I have a fridge full of interesting and yummy food and am definitely having some yummy treats. Every day now I have one of the following, frozen yogurt, custard or chips. On Saturday night I went to a friend's house for dinner and had a lovely healthy meal and then she offered me frozen yogurt for dessert and I was able to say, (quite quaintly, I thought), "no thank you, I have already had my treat today". It was kind of cute. For my weekly treat I have chosen to go to one of my favourite bakeries and have a yeast bun.
5. I also need to try an get past three weeks of healthy eating and not binge at the end of it, as well as trying to work out the triggers for unhealthy eating.

So, that's it really. I'll see how it goes. I think I can beat this and I still haven't given up the dream.
Love Anya.

week twelve...of the rest of my life.

Sigh. Here I am again without any good news to tell you. I am only writing this entry today because I promised myself that I would faithfully blog every week. I was supposed to do this on monday but was so lazy that I did not get to it until today, (Wednesday).
I am not going well. My eating is not good. I don't know what is wrong with me exactly but I do know I have been, up until this week, way too busy.
Then I had 6 days off work due to the easter break. I had hoped that I would be able to use this time to get a grip and start eating better and maybe even get some exercise. No such luck.
 As they say, "They who fail to plan, plan to fail"! I had a vague plan, but did not actually follow through in any way. I think that, for me, I need a detailed plan. What I should have done is go to the shop and get some good healthy food and planned my meals and my exercise.
I have been so busy that when I stopped this weekend, I really stopped. I did not accomplish anything including cleaning my house or gardening, let alone eating well. I was so inert that I am suprised that I did not get a blood clot!
But, on the brighter side, Yesterday God reminded me that today is a new day and a new week and it is possible to start all over again. He kind of gave me this image in my head that it is possible to leave all this behind and begin again. So, I will.
Another good thing is that I have been eating more lentils, beans etc and not depending on processed meat substitutes as much. I have got out my crock pot and been making soups and stews, so that is positive.
I weighed myself today so I could get a base line weight to compare to my next weigh in on Monday; today I was (look away now if you can't bear it)  99.3kg.
So, I need a plan.
Maybe this:

• I think that temporarily I need to go back to my main meal being at the end of the day instead of at breakfast. When I am not eating well, I tend to eat too much in the morning  but then do not have the self discipline to eat lightly at night.
• I need to get some healthy groceries. Probably can do that after work today.
• I need a basic food plan.
• Weighing only once a fortnight is not really working for me as I do better when I can use that weekly weigh in as a motivator. Nevertheless, I will persist with this as my dietician suggested it and I trust her judgement. I can see why it is important. Weighing in too often can make you crazy and is inaccurate anyway due to daily weight fluctuations. More importantly (for me) is that I shouldn't use the weigh in as my primary source of  motivation to stick to my eating plan. I think that my primary motivation should be internal (from me) instead of external. If I can be motivated to stick with healthy eating from something other than a weigh in, then that has got to be a good thing. It seems to me that if I depend on the weigh in then it is so easy to skip that weigh in,  if things are not going well or instead (and this is what I have been doing), becoming to relaxed and eating more because I know I don't have to weigh in for two weeks.
• So, what will my motivating factor be? I could use a long term view of health. That is what it really should be. But I think I need something more short term. What? My clothes fitting well? Feeling good in the morning when I get up? Yes, I think that is what my motivator should be. When I eat well, I can feel it in the morning when I wake up. My abdomen feels good and tighter and I feel kind of clean and healthy.

Yes, that will work I think. If I was just trying to maintain and not lose weight, then I think that this would be something that would motivate me to stay healthy and eat healthily; waking up and feeling that flatter, tighter stomach and feeling lighter, healthier and with more energy. I think that  this is important because whatever tools I use now should also be the tools I am willing to use when I get to my goal weight.
Well,  if you have read down this far, then you are doing well. Thanks for supporting me by reading this.
I wish you also a happy and healthy week. And may we all feel good about our abdomens when we wake up in the morning! :)

Week eleven...of the rest of my life.

A better week in every way. My stress has been high still,  but I am fine.  From now on it should be much better (and actually I am feeling much better now). 
I played in Sabbath School Cradle Roll on Sabbath and with God's tender loving care and tutelage, was able to play (insert drum roll here)...adequately! That's a high aspiration for me!  I felt like shouting for joy and raising a triumphant fist in air, when I had finished. What a relief. Of course I still made many mistakes but it was OK and not a disaster. There were two songs that I didn't attempt and I got someone else to play them for me instead and that was fine.
This is a good example of God's faithfulness that I was able to do this at all.
I weighed in yesterday and have put on about 500g.
 Hmmm, it could be worse. I am pretty much OK with this as my life has been so crazy and (if you squint your eyes and make them blurry),  it is almost maintaining and also  because I really haven't been stress eating (too much), just very disorganized with my meals and not preparing well. I have found that I really do need to plan my meals ahead if I want to do well with this.
So, that's my plan. Keep going and try and have two good weeks in a row. I am going to drag out the slow cooker and that should give me some good food to eat.
It's Easter too, so I have it all planned. I have been hiding a white chocolate Easter egg in the fridge in a brown paper bag for the last few weeks. Brown paper so I can't see it! I plan to eat that on Sunday. I also plan to eat some yummy hot cross buns every day over Easter. I also plan to count these items as part of my points allocation.
I went for a nice ride on my new bike today and went for a walk with Max yesterday which we both enjoyed. Now I have a bike I plan to use it! I am hoping to use it for short trips to the supermarket, Mum etc.
Have a blessed Easter. That's all for now.